I was talking to Paul's mom tonight for an hour or so and discussing healthy schedules and eating right and how important it is. She said she would sit down with me and write down a diet and supplement schedule that I could follow and see if it worked out for me. She has IBS and has to eat well to avoid discomfort, and is also a big believer in natural remedies and vitamins, so she's really the next best thing to having a live-in nuitrionist, so I think I will take her up on her offer. I have a bad habit of either not eating at all and then forcing myself to eat something at night, shortly before bed, just to say that I ate something that day, or eating everything I see (which most of the time, isn't all that much, compared to normal people's everyday food intake - but consists mostly of junk). Because of this I often feel run down, bloated, depressed, and my weight tends to fluctuate a few pounds. Anyway, since getting sober I've had a hard time eating correctly. I think I'm the only person who actually gained weight when they were doing drugs. I think a lot of my eating is mental - connected to control issues, depression, insecurities, stress, etc... so that when I was self medicating, I could eat. After quitting I actually lost around 10 pounds because my body and mind just don't - connect - sometimes. So I think getting a schedule - eating a small breakfast, maybe a couple of granola bars for a snack, lunch and dinner, on a regular basis, plus taking calcium and vitamin D could make an improvement on my energy and mood, because both are way down in the dumps. Paul's mom was telling me that smaller women (we both have small frames - although she is quite a bit shorter than me) and women in New England or other colder climates, need extra vitamin D / calcium, because we are at a high risk for osteoporosis/osteoarthritis, and it can set it really young. I already have knee and other joint pain, coupled with back pain and shin splints, and I'm only 23, so when I'm 40, it's going to be even worse. I always thought I had fibromayalgia, but considering that I don't have insurance, and no one takes me seriously anyway, I might as well experiment with eating better and getting on a regular schedule with waking up, stretching, etc because, well, it can't hurt. I wish I had a doctor (and insurance) where I could tell them my concerns and aches and pains and they would take me seriously as opposed to chalking it up to depression because I'm young. I figure at least if this doesn't work, I can tell them I eat a healthy diet, get good sleep, etc and maybe they will take me more seriously and actually give me some answers - or at least listen to my questions instead of dismissing them as all in my head. Because honestly, even if it IS all in my head, I'm still FEELING it physically, and isn't it their job to at least try to help me?

Anyway, I think I have to realize that even though I am young, I don't feel young, and I need to start taking care of myself better. I shouldn't be cold all the time, or exhausted all the time, or in pain all the time. It's honestly crippling, and I can't live this way any more. I may not be a teenager anymore, but I'm still damn young and I shouldn't feel so horrible constantly. I feel like I am a 60 year old women with arthritis and lyme disease. I'm 23! I should be able to party all night and get up in the morning and run a mile, no problem. But instead I don't party, I go to bed at 10:30/11pm and I still wake up exhausted and feeling like I got run over after running a mile, instead of ready to run one. And I've felt like this forever. I can't life my entire life exhausted. I want to be able to do things, hike, travel, have fun, but I literally can not do any of that. And quite frankly, it sucks. So because I don't have insurance, I am going to TRY to do this. TRY to get a schedule and a diet and a healthy routine, because I'm sick and tired of feeling so fucking sick and tired. It's not fair. I just hope that I haven't really messed up my body after years of treating it horribly with eating disorders and addictions. I want to feel like I'm able to live my life instead of just watching it slip away.

I thought that after being sober for so long, I would feel different. A lot of people getting over addictions talk about the natural high they feel after getting clean. How much energy they get and how life just feels BETTER. But I never got that. I'm proud of myself, and I have more money now (well, I did, and I will again), and I'm not surrounded by people that don't care about me at all, but pretend they do - but I don't feel physically better. I'm in a better place, but I don't feel the effects of it, and it's really hard to feel good about yourself when you don't feel good in general.

So that's my new plan - eating better, trying to get in a routine, and just trying to feel better. Because I'm tired of being sick constantly. And I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing me complain about how awful I feel.