This last month I haven't been doing much of anything besides going to a few student orientations,reading, and working once a week. Not a lot to report on. However, this last week decided that the prior three weeks were way too laid back and I needed to be punched in the face a few times to make up for it. About a week and a half ago I had my annual lady bits appointment at Planned Parenthood. Since I haven't had insurance for quite a while, it had been a few years since I'd gone to my annual obgyn appointment, but I still expected to walk out of there and not hear anything until next year. Then again, the universe might be telling me something, because I had just said that it's been a long time since I've gotten a stye in my eye and three days later, guess what? A fucking stye in my fucking eye. Apparently I'm not allowed to get too damn cocky. The universe further proves it's point when two days ago I get a message from Planned Parenthood asking me to call them asap. Returning the call, I find out that my test came back with atypical cells, and that they have to perform a colopscopy and a biopsy to figure out what is wrong. Of course the second thing I do (after calling Paul at work) is google the hell out of all the information she gave me and try to figure out why my cervix is turning against me. I also wanted to find out how bad a biopsy inside my damn vagina is going to hurt. People tell me not a lot, I say that's a dirty lie. But we shall see, unfortunately. After scaring myself with information from the internet, I am relieved after talking to my mother and Kristen, and relax... a little.

Then after returning home from work this evening I find a note from Planned Parenthood further describing the details of my test. Seven pages of information to inform me of the nightmare my life may be turning into. Among these seven pages, the words pre-cancer and cancer are sprinkled all over the paper, thankfully not highlighted, but still there, in black and white. "The abnormal cells found coule become worse and change to pre-cancer or cancer. You need further testing to diagnose the seriousness of the problem."
Now, maybe I had been going to the doctor ever six months or a year, I wouldn't be so worried. But the last time I did this was quite a while ago, I believe, and I'm a little nervous. What might have been just a minor thing could have transformed to quite a catastrophe in a few years. Not to mention the fact that even if I don't smoke a lot, I still smoke.
On page three of my good news, there is a checklist, with my test facts checked off. Including a "possible" High Grade Squamas Intraepithelial Lesion or HSIL, whatever the hell that means. Apparently "this is a more serious change and usually represents a precancerous abnormality. Evaluation by colposcopy and biopsies followed by freezing the cervix or removing the abnormal area is usually sufficient to prevent furthre problems although continued follow-ups are very important." So there's a shred of good news in there, but it's following more sprinklings of cancer and pre-cancer.

The rest of the pages talk about how wonderful it will feel to have doctors rub vinegar in my cervix and pinch away tissues. Burning and severe cramping are mentioned. I believe those are my least favorite things to think about when relating to my vaginal area.

This is all about five days before my full time college courses are going to begin. The college courses that I am depending on, hoping and praying that I can do well in and actually make something of myself with. I honestly feel like this is my last chance to not be a complete failure. I may semi joke about my health scare, but in all honesty, I'm fucking terrified. I'm terrified of the biopsy hurting, I'm scared of what they'll find, I'm scared of how much it will cost me... whenever I think about I want to cry, and I'm totally being a stage 5 clinger with Paul because I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts to think about the worst case scenario. Although, even when I think of the worse case scenario it doesn't seem real. Although, with all the other stuff I've been through, it would fit in quite nicely. Life keeps throwing me all these obstacles, and I try to be a survivor, I try to be strong, but there is only so much I can take before I feel like it's a huge joke and there's got to be someone up there fucking with me for his own amusement. I don't understand how I can have so much negativity aimed at me. I understand I screwed up by being a drug addict for five years, but I never stole from anyone, I never cheated anyone, I never aimed to hurt anyone. I don't get what I'm being punished for, but I really feel that someone is trying to punish me. It's either that, or extremely bad luck. I'm horrified that no matter what I do, or how I try to become a better person, Donkey Kong is up on his stage throwing barrels down the ladders at me until finally I just fucking get run over.

Oh, and a great thing I forgot. Literally an hour or so after I got the call from Planned Parenthood, Paul got pulled over and searched, then slapped with a $300 ticket for paraphernalia (a pipe) and a bowl pack of weed. And, you may ask, why did they pull him over and search him? Because he went through a yellow light, that's why. Awesome. The best part? We hardly ever smoke weed. EVER. We smoke maybe once a month, if that. We just happened to get some earlier to relax with occasionally. I wish I had been there (and the type of person to not get completely terrified of cops) to ask what the hell their probably cause to search was.

The upside to this week has been at least an equal plus to the tickets minus. Paul got a second job doing what he went to school for (graphic design). Right now he's part time as the company is just starting up, but when they really open for business in October he will become full time. Even so, the fact that he has a second job doing something that could be his career in incredible. We talked about my completely quitting my job as a waitress to focus 100% on school, and honestly, with how horrible the money I've been making is lately (sometimes it costs more to drive to work than what I make), if this job seems like it's a lasting position for sure, I may take him up on it after I get some of my lesser debts paid off. It would be amazing to be a full time student and focus completely on my work. I would be able to finish up in two years instead of two and a half or three.

And thankfully, my mother lent me money to pay for my last school book, which is setting me back almost $200, and some school supplies, so that even though school snuck up on me and I have a $250 doctors bill looming over my head, I'll at least be able to be ready for school and not have to starve for a week. It's honestly an enormous relief to not have to worry about having money for school. I really hope I have more financial aid coming in October. I don't understand how $2500 didn't pay for all of it.

I have to stop writing. Every time I think about all this stuff I get a horrible, debilitating stress headache that feels like someone is trying to push my eyeballs out of my head. The stress is killing me this last week. My neck hurts, my jaw hurts. I grind my teeth so hard in my sleep that I can feel it in my dreams. I'm getting so worn down with life. I don't know how I can be strong like this forever. And honestly, if it weren't for the people in my life, I don't think I would have lasted this long. I would have been a puddle of sobbing nervous breakdown. I wish that was a joke, but it's not. I love you guys.